I don’t like “the story” in Bioshock 2. So, I’m making up my own story, for the purposes of enjoying the game’s gameplay offerings unhindered. The story of Bioshock 2 is now that of a Big Daddy, one of the lumbering speechless antagonists of the first game, freed from a lifeless existence of doting on a little sisters, now on a joyful quest for booze, cigarettes, and cash.

Why don’t I like the story? Well, as is only typical of my writing of articles when, and only when, I have something about which to bitch, I’ll tell you. Ever hear the phrase “A story is only as good as its villain?” Well, the antagonist in Bioshock 2 is hollow – an uber-communist, and diametric opposite of Andrew Ryan’s uber-libertarian – and not a character in her own right, as Andrew Ryan was; everything she is is propped up by what he was – she’s just a bad parody.

2K Marin would have better served us had they resurrected Ryan as some horrific ultra-libertarian-cyborg juiced up on adam rather than offer up this pathetic anti-Ryan that we must endure in Bioshock 2. Yeah, I know, cyber-resurrection isn’t all that realistic, considering the ’50s time-frame in which the game takes place, but we’re dealing with a setting in which the protagonist is able to shoot bees, which emerge from little holes in his forearm, at his foes – let’s not tie our hands with realism. Hell, Ryan could’ve just made his return via vita-chamber; no cybernetics or DNA-altering required – you know, like the first game’s protagonist did HUNDREDS OF TIMES (if you managed to die hundreds of times.)

To be fair, this new development team that worked on Bioshock 2 (there was a team-switch, in case you didn’t know) couldn’t have topped Ryan. However, they could’ve went in a different direction rather then back to the ideological-extremist well. I like the first game but I played it already; if I wanted to play it again, I would do so and not play a sequel that could very easily have been released as an expansion or downloadable content.

I won’t spoil the rest story for you. I don’t like it. It sucks. The end. I will say, though, that there isn’t a whole lot to spoil. The gameplay is very solid however. I won’t go very much into it because, if you played the first game as I’m sure most of you reading this did, you probably have the cognitive capacity with which to imagine what it’s like to play as a very large man wearing an old-school diving suit who punches people with a massive drill and shoots rivets at folks who piss him off. Hell, you were probably the victim of much drill-punching and rivet-shooting whilst playing the first game – that is until you figured out, as I did, that you can kill a Big Daddy fairly easily by tripping his bulky ass down a flight of stairs using the oh-so-fun crossbow and electric-trip-wire bolts, after, of course, lighting him on fire and electrocuting him – man these guys had it rough, come to think of it.

Some other minor complaints of mine are that they took out a few of the things that gave the game some personality: no more pipe-hacking, no clowns celebrating your usage of the item vending machine, no Mexican-bandit-themed sound effects at the ammo vending machines. However, some of the cool new things like plasmid combos, the ability to lay down turrets, and the ability to drill the hell out of splicers, do some to make up for what’s missing; there’s also multiplayer, which I have not tried yet.

Buy? Rent? Destroy?

Rent this mutha’. Unless you have a hankerin’ for some plasmid-shootin’, punk-drillin’ multiplayer; in which case, buy it if you feel that aspect of the game may have some longevity.

Hey

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You guys remember that one time when I was all like, ‘Man, Games Workshop really pisses me off with their Space Mehren preference. What ever happened to honest competition?’

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Looks like you’ll be holding your breath for even longer if you’re like me. Coming this April, the next new update flying at you in a…THUNDERHAWK!…is an update for…THE BLOOD ANGELS! Yeah I just said that. Keep in mind, this is following an update for the Space Wolves and an entirely new very minor Space Mehren faction, the Legion of the Damned. No Imperial Guard update…no Ork update…no new Chaos units…just another update and more units for a Space Mehren faction, not even one of the cool ones too. Its the Blood Angels…if there was a slightly homosexual chapter of Space Mehrens…it would be them.

Take this as you will. But I will be adding Games Workshop to my already growing list of things I have sworn a blood oath against.

Really…? Did they really need another unit that looks like it can rape anything, both physically and metaphorically, without any chance of defeat?

Games Workshop Employee: Hey guys!

40k Players: Yeah?

GWE: We got a new update comin’ out next month for a 40k faction. Can ya guess who it is?

Necron Players: Necrons? We haven’t gotten one since the last time a C’tan was roaming about.

Ork Players: Orks maybe?

Chaos Players: Chaos perhaps? They’ve been really getting fucked with the new editions, they could use a buff.

GWE: NOPE! XD! SPACE WOLVES! Ain’t it just great? A faction within an already super powerful army needed an update far more than just an entire army with rules from 1984, don’tchyathink?

40k Players: Die in a fire Games Workshop.

GWE: But wait, dere’s more! We’re releasing a new unit just before Christmas!

40k Players: I knew I could count on you Games Workshop, I just knew you wouldn’t let us down and side with Space Marines.

GWE: It’s the Legion of the Damned! They have skull helmets and murals of ancient battles inscribed on their armor!

*Shows picture*

Chaos Player: Finally a cool unit for Chaos that doesn’t look like its from 1995!

GWE: It’s for the Space Mehrens, noob. Play a real faction, hahahahahlolwut!

I’ve waited so long for my dreams to come true. I’m just kidding, that was too dramatic. But the news really was swell. THQ, or Relic, or whoever is in charge of press releases, announced the other day the title of their new expansion for the innovative and popular RTS Dawn of War II along with several screen shots and a short teaser trailer. Chaos Rising will grace the computer game landscape in Spring 2010, tentatively anyways. The way the video game business is these days with pushing release dates back en masse it could very well come out Christmas 2011. But I digress.

The story, can’t forget the story, is set in the same system as Dawn of War II (the system containing the Blood Raven Space Marines Chapter’s recruiting worlds) wherein a world long ago swallowed into the Warp reappears. Several cadres of armed to the teeth Angels of Death are sent down to investigate and low and behold there’s some good old Chaos Space Marine action waitin’ for ‘em. Avitus, Tarkus, Thaddeus, Davian Thule (now Dreadnought) and, of course, the voiceless Commander (Insert Name Here) will encounter their age old enemies in the form of the Black Legion. One can only hope Abbadon the Despoiler will make an appearance.

Chaos Rising will implement several good ideas I and several other Warhammer 40,000/Dawn of War players have had. Whilst playing the Chaos Space Marines in multiplayer mode, the player will have available to them all four of the Dark Gods of Chaos (Khorne, Tzeentch, Slaneesh, and Nurgle) to choose from. This means, as I infer from the teaser (Bloodletters), that the player will get specialized units to choose from depending upon which God they chose (I.E. Bloodletters of Khorne or Horrors of Tzeentch or Plaguebringers of Nurgle) and different bonuses. This is, however, a claim made before the release date and an inference made from a short teaser, but I can hope. As always, the other factions (Space Marines, Orks, Tyranids, and Eldar) will receive a number of new units; how many, I can’t say, but I’m sure it’ll be one or two per.

ALSO! As a final thought before I forget, Chaos Dreadnoughts! They weren’t in the original Dawn of War or the expansions for Chaos to construct, but the banner picture for the expansion’s official website contains, front and center, a Black Legion Dreadnought.

And now it’s right here!

I just bought this today, though I did not pay full price for it. God help me, I’m involved in another miniatures game. I shouldn’t be surprised with myself though. Once one starts down the dark path of buying small metal and/or plastic men and using said men to engage in fantasy battles with one’s friends, well, there’s just no coming back from that.