I don’t like “the story” in Bioshock 2. So, I’m making up my own story, for the purposes of enjoying the game’s gameplay offerings unhindered. The story of Bioshock 2 is now that of a Big Daddy, one of the lumbering speechless antagonists of the first game, freed from a lifeless existence of doting on a little sisters, now on a joyful quest for booze, cigarettes, and cash.

Why don’t I like the story? Well, as is only typical of my writing of articles when, and only when, I have something about which to bitch, I’ll tell you. Ever hear the phrase “A story is only as good as its villain?” Well, the antagonist in Bioshock 2 is hollow – an uber-communist, and diametric opposite of Andrew Ryan’s uber-libertarian – and not a character in her own right, as Andrew Ryan was; everything she is is propped up by what he was – she’s just a bad parody.

2K Marin would have better served us had they resurrected Ryan as some horrific ultra-libertarian-cyborg juiced up on adam rather than offer up this pathetic anti-Ryan that we must endure in Bioshock 2. Yeah, I know, cyber-resurrection isn’t all that realistic, considering the ’50s time-frame in which the game takes place, but we’re dealing with a setting in which the protagonist is able to shoot bees, which emerge from little holes in his forearm, at his foes – let’s not tie our hands with realism. Hell, Ryan could’ve just made his return via vita-chamber; no cybernetics or DNA-altering required – you know, like the first game’s protagonist did HUNDREDS OF TIMES (if you managed to die hundreds of times.)

To be fair, this new development team that worked on Bioshock 2 (there was a team-switch, in case you didn’t know) couldn’t have topped Ryan. However, they could’ve went in a different direction rather then back to the ideological-extremist well. I like the first game but I played it already; if I wanted to play it again, I would do so and not play a sequel that could very easily have been released as an expansion or downloadable content.

I won’t spoil the rest story for you. I don’t like it. It sucks. The end. I will say, though, that there isn’t a whole lot to spoil. The gameplay is very solid however. I won’t go very much into it because, if you played the first game as I’m sure most of you reading this did, you probably have the cognitive capacity with which to imagine what it’s like to play as a very large man wearing an old-school diving suit who punches people with a massive drill and shoots rivets at folks who piss him off. Hell, you were probably the victim of much drill-punching and rivet-shooting whilst playing the first game – that is until you figured out, as I did, that you can kill a Big Daddy fairly easily by tripping his bulky ass down a flight of stairs using the oh-so-fun crossbow and electric-trip-wire bolts, after, of course, lighting him on fire and electrocuting him – man these guys had it rough, come to think of it.

Some other minor complaints of mine are that they took out a few of the things that gave the game some personality: no more pipe-hacking, no clowns celebrating your usage of the item vending machine, no Mexican-bandit-themed sound effects at the ammo vending machines. However, some of the cool new things like plasmid combos, the ability to lay down turrets, and the ability to drill the hell out of splicers, do some to make up for what’s missing; there’s also multiplayer, which I have not tried yet.

Buy? Rent? Destroy?

Rent this mutha’. Unless you have a hankerin’ for some plasmid-shootin’, punk-drillin’ multiplayer; in which case, buy it if you feel that aspect of the game may have some longevity.

Magic, and gun toting hot chicks in skimpy outfits? No thanks, I’ve gone out on that limb and gave that genre a shot before, and swore to myself: never again. But the early reviews claiming the fast paced, revolutionary combat and style had convinced me to give it a shot.

I didn’t even make it through the opening credits without asking myself what I had gotten into. The Japanese pop music and the emo-Laura-Croft, break dancing with guns on her feet, was enough to make me crank down the surround sound and nervously glance around the room for anyone who may be nearby.

Once I had gotten through the ridiculously cheesy dialogue and opening credits, I found that the game picks up the pace and throws you into some heavy combat. From there out, my experience with the game did a 180.

Combat is fast… I mean, REAL fast. It requires one to sync and execute quickly paced melee combos and gunfire, while throwing magics into the mix when possible. The game features an awesome counter-attack system where perfectly timing your dodges from enemy blows activates WitchTime, an ability that slows down the speed of the combat to a crawl for the player to unleash devastating combos and finishers that would not normally be possible in real time.

After the first few chapters and the ‘getting started’ tutorials, the game starts to show its true colors in its difficulty. To get right down to it, the game is very tricky if not downright skull-fucking-ly hard. It’s a game that seems to throw as many boss battles at the player as it does regular combat set-pieces. There were several times where I was pitted against an incredibly tough boss, who after some time I would eventually vanquish, then turn the corner and BAM! Guess what? You get to fight that same boss again, but to make it interesting the game will force you to fight two of them simultaneously. After which, I would then sit back to enjoy what I would assume would be a few puzzle sections or minion combats to build up suspense again. Nope… the beginning of the next chapter would start me off with another boss fight against a two-headed dragon with a cherub’s face for a belly.

The control scheme is well done. Although for some reason when you start the game off, the camera sensitivity is set to the slowest setting possible. You’ll need this cranked up close to high as possible within comfort, as you will frequently need to spin camera angles to assess all the archangels closing in on you. You also have a vast multitude of combos available right off the bat, many requiring the perfection of timing to execute correctly.

One quirk that often got on my nerves, at times, was the less than intuitive moments that left me saying: “Well how in the hell was I suppose to know that?”. I’m talking about the boss fights that were chuck full of one-hit kills, or the climatic scenes after big battles where the game expectantly demands that I press square or spin the left analog stick in the 1.2 second time frame it gives me, or I’m crushed by a falling building or washed over by a wave of lava. By no means do I want my games to hold my hand through that kind of shit-storm , but the game auto-saves after every time you die, thus reflecting poorly on your overall score.

Tim’s Final Say

I had a real hard time getting over the ridiculous music and voice acting.  Then it clicked with me, how someone with similar tastes to myself enjoys a game like this. It needs to be looked at as a comedy. It is so outrageously cheesy that you can’t help but laugh at it.

Would I recommend, to a friend, to go out and buy this game? Ehh… no, not really. Not at $65. Would I recommend that they borrow it from me and play it? Absolutely. I would tell them to skip the cut scenes, and enjoy the game for what it is: a challenging and fast paced hack n’ slash with some nice visuals and occasional animated eye candy. Ignore the voice acting, plot, and Japanese pop music, and you’ll find that Bayonetta is a very fluid and well put together action game.

ONE

There is ALWAYS someone behind you. I don’t care if it it’s physically impossible, he is there and likely has a knife.

TWO

Every time you get an idea and you’re thinking ‘man, that’d be cool’, it won’t be. Something will happen. You’ll get shot or your game will crash or a predator missile will randomly hit you by complete chance. So, when you get an idea, just don’t listen to it.

THREE

Patience…it’s a virtue. If you’re camping a spot and no one comes, even if it’s been fifteen minutes, do NOT get up and move. Because right when you do, you’ll die or someone will pass right in front of you as you leave and stab you in reflex fright.

FOUR

Reflex fright…being excellent at this game is like being excellent at getting hit in the knee with one of those doctor hammers. You have to play until your eyes bleed so your reflexes get so used to someone popping out and shooting at you that you put one between their eyes instantly, much like real life actually.

FIVE

If your opponent’s name is multi-colored or retarded or highbrow and simple, you’ve already lost. Just exit the game and bury your guns in the ground. I’ve seen them shoot through concrete walls; I’ve seen men empty entire clips into them and hit nothing but air. Everyone who has tried to stand and fight them has died. And no, you won’t succeed where so many have failed. Unless of course rule four applies to you or your name IS multi-colored or etc.

SIX

Never, never, never, not in any circumstance ever, will the grenade launcher NOT be the best weapon to use. In fact, when coupled with more explosives and the increased explosive damage perk, one can destroy anything one comes across. And now you too can have the power to be a cheap nub!

SEVEN

Your killstreak is your friend. But, with uncanny certainty, every single time you are about to reach your most important killstreak reward (AC130 gunner in my case usually) someone will murder you with haste and prejudice.

Now, go forth, my students, and use this knowledge to conquer the world that is Call of Duty. But do not use these powers for evil, only for slaying your opponents.

I’ve waited so long for my dreams to come true. I’m just kidding, that was too dramatic. But the news really was swell. THQ, or Relic, or whoever is in charge of press releases, announced the other day the title of their new expansion for the innovative and popular RTS Dawn of War II along with several screen shots and a short teaser trailer. Chaos Rising will grace the computer game landscape in Spring 2010, tentatively anyways. The way the video game business is these days with pushing release dates back en masse it could very well come out Christmas 2011. But I digress.

The story, can’t forget the story, is set in the same system as Dawn of War II (the system containing the Blood Raven Space Marines Chapter’s recruiting worlds) wherein a world long ago swallowed into the Warp reappears. Several cadres of armed to the teeth Angels of Death are sent down to investigate and low and behold there’s some good old Chaos Space Marine action waitin’ for ‘em. Avitus, Tarkus, Thaddeus, Davian Thule (now Dreadnought) and, of course, the voiceless Commander (Insert Name Here) will encounter their age old enemies in the form of the Black Legion. One can only hope Abbadon the Despoiler will make an appearance.

Chaos Rising will implement several good ideas I and several other Warhammer 40,000/Dawn of War players have had. Whilst playing the Chaos Space Marines in multiplayer mode, the player will have available to them all four of the Dark Gods of Chaos (Khorne, Tzeentch, Slaneesh, and Nurgle) to choose from. This means, as I infer from the teaser (Bloodletters), that the player will get specialized units to choose from depending upon which God they chose (I.E. Bloodletters of Khorne or Horrors of Tzeentch or Plaguebringers of Nurgle) and different bonuses. This is, however, a claim made before the release date and an inference made from a short teaser, but I can hope. As always, the other factions (Space Marines, Orks, Tyranids, and Eldar) will receive a number of new units; how many, I can’t say, but I’m sure it’ll be one or two per.

ALSO! As a final thought before I forget, Chaos Dreadnoughts! They weren’t in the original Dawn of War or the expansions for Chaos to construct, but the banner picture for the expansion’s official website contains, front and center, a Black Legion Dreadnought.

And now it’s right here!

Alright, collaborate and listen to me talk about Champions Online. My brother and I got into the beta but that wasn’t the end of it. Remember how you were all happy when Mount Doom exploded at the end of Return of the King and then you were all like ‘wait…what happened to Mister Frodo and Sam?’. That’s kinda how the beta was. I pre-ordered the game, got the key and everything, downloaded the client, and everything was free and clear! Then I had to patch the game and let me tell you, I’d rather be shot in the leg than go through that again. I won’t delve into the innumerable amounts of problems the patcher had but it mostly consisted of a folder mix-up leading to a 3.6 GB download just for the patch and a constantly failing patch server leading to disconnect after disconnect. So let me lay it down for you, really long day of intermittent success that ended at 3 in the morning with an up and ready game to play. But, by that time I didn’t feel like playing.

Then tomorrow came. I woke up at the crack of noon and rolled out of bed to play Champions. It was all fun, the best part of course being character creation. There are tons of costume pieces, maybe even more than City of Heroes (Cryptic’s last venture into super hero MMOs) and you don’t have to wait 20 levels to get a cape! But I didn’t make a cape guy despite my elation, I made a bad ass robot who shoots equally bad ass bolts of energy and has a shoulder-mounted mini-gun. He’s that big billy bad ass at the top of the post. So I did a run through of the opening scenario and the desert zone that follows. I picked up the jet boots flight power, which is cool if you don’t mind the bad maneuverability. Then I made some triflin’ witch doctor bastard with a skull head.

I gave him a mix of the magic and supernatural power sets which turned out really good and thematic. I picked up earth flight with him, its pretty self explanatory. You fly around on a hunk of whatever you were standing on at the time, you do it in the city you’ll get a rebar-filled concrete chunk, and if you’re in Canada you’ll fly on a snowy chunk of stone. And then, as I told my friends I would, I made Broly.

You might not know him, so if you don’t I’ll just throw this explanation at you: 350 lbs. of shit your pants flying at Mach 4 shooting energy balls that destroy planets. Surprisingly, it worked out well. They had all the pieces necessary to make him and if they didn’t I found something real close to it. The ability to customize the color of your powers (and where they shoot from, for some) make making original guys a possibility.

The only problem I found through all my character creating adventures (minus the expected beta bugs) was taste-based. I’m not a Silver Age comics guy, I’m more of an Ultimates guy, where Hulk gets to eat people. So, obviously, I was a bit disappointed when I walked through fields of campy dialogue, enemies, and villains. It’s made bearable by the bad ass game play but if you like Silver Age stuff. you’ll love this game. In my honest opinion, I like the cast of villains and heroes for City of Heroes/Villains better.

The game comes out September 1st, pre-order customers get a head start (myself) and you should buy it if you like comics or superheroes in general. This game gets my GOOD stamp.

At Sony’s GamesCon 2009 press conference, CEO Kaz Hirai unveiled their not-so-well-kept secret PS3 Slim, set to hit the consumer market here in September. The console is roughly 2/3 the size and weight of the current PS3, and features 1/3 less power consumption. The slim will hit the market in two models, an 80GB HD and a 120GB HD.

Defiantly the best new of all though is that it will be featured as the cheapest PS3 to date, at a measly $299 USD (both the 80GB and the 120GB). Of course I’m at a lose as to who this surprises. Of course Sony needed to have a comeback to Microsoft’s 360 price drop. (Actually i believe retailers made the drop in price already once this news hit the insiders)

I for one think that it is about time. We have been WAY over due for some significant console price drops for a long time now. If I may be so bold as to stand up on my soapbox for a few words here, the source of profit in the game industry is simple: Video game titles are your profit! It’s that simple. Stop trying to profit on console sales! If John Doe can’t afford your console, how many games do you think he is going to buy? And it’s rough enough out there with big hit titles being released at $60 a pop. Think about it, anyone who is willing and able to spend $300-$400 on a console would have done so by now. Drop the price of the hardware so that lower income gamers can afford it, and BAM! You just hit a whole other economic demographic of gamers to sell software titles to. You take a small hit on console revenue, but the increase in sales should make up for that, plus you are now selling more games. Win-Win for everyone.

Just when I was beginning to think that devs at Nintendo were coming up with Wii accessories by drawing random verbs and nouns out of a hat, they’ve since gone and sealed the deal with their latest patent for what appears to be some type of Wii Woopie-cushion saddle (Nintendo I’m coining that name, dont ninja that off me). According to the actual online patent page, the proposed inflatable air cushion will have room for a Wii remote and can be used to simulate riding on the back of an animal or being in the driver’s seat of a vehicle.

I for one thought Nintendo was getting out of control with their Wii accessories (I’m looking at you Vitality Sensor and Wii Frying Pan), but this one takes the cake. Since this is only a patent for the concept, it’s tough to speculate when or even if we’ll ever see this kind of device used with the Wii. It does bring up an interesting speculation as to how far will Nintendo go in these wacky Wii accessories, especially when they’ve got Natal moving in on their market. You can check out their online patent and their other concept drawings here.

I will preface this with the fact that if it has anything at all to do with Warhammer 40,000 I will buy, play, or maybe kill a man to get it depending on how cool it is. So keep in mind that if something has Warhammer and/or 40,000 in its title I will do my best to enjoy it.

Word may or may have not reached your ears about the long awaited Warhammer 40,000 MMO. If it has, you’ll probably be waiting for it even longer than you have due to its slated release date (2011). If it hasn’t, then I’ll freshen up your memory.

First, I’ll start with its history, dating all the way back to 1994. Blizzard, the company I now call Faggard, wanted to make Warhammer Fantasy into a strategy game. Keep in mind this was back when Blizzard was in its golden age, bringing you such titles as Starcraft, Diablo, and Warcraft, not when it became the company that created World of Warcraft and labored to create Starcraft: Ghost or whatever the fuck it was called, thank god that failed. Now, Games Workshop, being the elitist Brits that they are, refused to allow an American company to get a hold of their rights to make a computer game out of their precious miniature war games. Blizzard had already made considerable progress on the game before showing it to execs at GW, so it was like when your High School teacher threw out your paper because it was too “offensive” (I speak from experience). So what Blizzard did was take their ball and go home with a sad face on, then it occurred to make WARcraft instead of WARhammer. And it never dawned on GW that their IP was getting raped? Nope. After making millions of dollars off of their Warcraft franchise, Blizzard turned towards GW once again and stole Warhammer 40,000, mutated it into Starcraft, and made even more cash. You can draw the lines for both games if you don’t believe me, 40k (Space Marines-Space Marines, Tyranids-Zerg, Old Ones-Xel’Naga), Fantasy (Orks-Orcs, Empire-Humans, Dark Elves-Undead, Elves-Night and High Elves, Chaos-Burning Legion). They even have the same fucking back-story! Horus (Arthas) betrays his King (Emperor) who is also his father, go figure, after listening to a demon-lich king-thing trapped inside a sword (Chaos Gods). I’m sure Diablo came from somewhere too, but I can’t put a name to it so I’ll give Blizzard credit for it at least. There you have it, so dark the con of Blizzard.

Alright, now that that is over with we can get on to the important stuff. GW waited a hefty 10 years or so to majorly break into the video game market with their release of Dawn of War. Yes, they had some titles here and there before that but none of them were all that great/important, one of them even had a Tau for the main character. Of course, Dawn of War became massively popular and was hailed as the dawn of a new age in RTS (real-time strategy) games.  This led to three expansion packs and a sequal for Dawn of War, a PSP game revolving around turn-based tactics, and a 3rd-person God of War-esque Action game called Space Marine with a TBA release date, but even more than that was that it also drew attention to everything with the word Warhammer in its title. Warhammer Fantasy got an MMO (Age of Reckoning) and a Total War-esque game (Mark of Chaos). If you have been keeping up with the news, EA bought Mythic (who makes Age of Reckoning) and Bioware (who is making the new Star Wars MMO) and I have no doubt in my mind they have their eyes fixed on THQ next (who publishes the 40k stuff). Blizzard and Activision merged to create Blactivision (haha right?) and they’re owned by Vivendi Universal (another monolithic company that owns a different side of the universe). So, in a sense, a line is being drawn in the sand in the game market between EA and Blactivision (who also makes the super-popular Call of Duty games, among others). Eventually they’re going to duke out in a Witch King-Gandalf fight but right now they’re just mustering forces.

Which is where the Warhammer 40,000 MMO comes into play and why it might piss me off. “It has been made clear that although the game will feature relatively in-depth fire-fights with player-formed squads as well as cover and flanking mechanics it is definitely a MMORPG as opposed to a MMOFPS.” That’s word and verse from some marketing exec or whatever when he was being interviewed about the game. I’m sorry, did you just say running around and shooting, which is an FPS,  will not be present in a game based around a setting/mini game in which running around and shooting is a core component? Well, shit, if that’s how we’re doing it nowadays… Yeah, they said flanking and cover and whatnot will be present but let’s be honest here, how many promises made in development are kept through to release? Everyone has a pretty bad track record for that. In addition to that it gets even worse, they’re not even sure they’re going to have vehicles in a game, now wrap your mind around this, based around fucking vehicles! Dreadnoughts, Predator tanks, fuckin’ Baneblades, Fire Prisms, I could go on for pages with vehicles that are used in the mini-game, and they have no idea which ones, if any, will be in it. Alright, I know by now you’re thinking, “This guy is either crazy or retarded, maybe both, I don’t know. It’s 40k! How can it be that bad?” They’re some small kernels of hope here, I will say that. You’re characters will be extremely customizeable (like in the Warhammer Fantasy MMO, which worked there very well) and they are “absolutely no non-combat classes, as that would not make sense with the setting”. Finally a company that cares about making sense. Why would you have a plain-old-healer in a game where even the healer (Apocethary) cuts people in half with a chainsaw-sword? You wouldn’t and that’s why there isn’t one. This is good stuff along with the proposed ability to visit a massive range of different areas, which include abandoned Space Hulks, chaos shrines, deserted battlefields, etc., more good stuff, eh?

I’ll say it myself, I could be totally wrong about this and the game might make you involuntarily ejaculate in your pants when you load it up for the first time. But if they wanted to make it awesome, they would take Planetside, strip away everything about the Planetside setting and apply the Warhammer 40,000 template to it.

For now though, since you have no 40k MMO to play, I will leave you with this: