ONE

There is ALWAYS someone behind you. I don’t care if it it’s physically impossible, he is there and likely has a knife.

TWO

Every time you get an idea and you’re thinking ‘man, that’d be cool’, it won’t be. Something will happen. You’ll get shot or your game will crash or a predator missile will randomly hit you by complete chance. So, when you get an idea, just don’t listen to it.

THREE

Patience…it’s a virtue. If you’re camping a spot and no one comes, even if it’s been fifteen minutes, do NOT get up and move. Because right when you do, you’ll die or someone will pass right in front of you as you leave and stab you in reflex fright.

FOUR

Reflex fright…being excellent at this game is like being excellent at getting hit in the knee with one of those doctor hammers. You have to play until your eyes bleed so your reflexes get so used to someone popping out and shooting at you that you put one between their eyes instantly, much like real life actually.

FIVE

If your opponent’s name is multi-colored or retarded or highbrow and simple, you’ve already lost. Just exit the game and bury your guns in the ground. I’ve seen them shoot through concrete walls; I’ve seen men empty entire clips into them and hit nothing but air. Everyone who has tried to stand and fight them has died. And no, you won’t succeed where so many have failed. Unless of course rule four applies to you or your name IS multi-colored or etc.

SIX

Never, never, never, not in any circumstance ever, will the grenade launcher NOT be the best weapon to use. In fact, when coupled with more explosives and the increased explosive damage perk, one can destroy anything one comes across. And now you too can have the power to be a cheap nub!

SEVEN

Your killstreak is your friend. But, with uncanny certainty, every single time you are about to reach your most important killstreak reward (AC130 gunner in my case usually) someone will murder you with haste and prejudice.

Now, go forth, my students, and use this knowledge to conquer the world that is Call of Duty. But do not use these powers for evil, only for slaying your opponents.

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