I don’t like “the story” in Bioshock 2. So, I’m making up my own story, for the purposes of enjoying the game’s gameplay offerings unhindered. The story of Bioshock 2 is now that of a Big Daddy, one of the lumbering speechless antagonists of the first game, freed from a lifeless existence of doting on a little sisters, now on a joyful quest for booze, cigarettes, and cash.

Why don’t I like the story? Well, as is only typical of my writing of articles when, and only when, I have something about which to bitch, I’ll tell you. Ever hear the phrase “A story is only as good as its villain?” Well, the antagonist in Bioshock 2 is hollow – an uber-communist, and diametric opposite of Andrew Ryan’s uber-libertarian – and not a character in her own right, as Andrew Ryan was; everything she is is propped up by what he was – she’s just a bad parody.

2K Maren would have better served us had they resurrected Ryan as some horrific ultra-libertarian-cyborg juiced up on adam rather than offer up this pathetic anti-Ryan that we must endure in Bioshock 2. Yeah, I know, cyber-resurrection isn’t all that realistic, considering the ’50s time-frame in which the game takes place, but we’re dealing with a setting in which the protagonist is able to shoot bees, which emerge from little holes in his forearm, at his foes – let’s not tie our hands with realism. Hell, Ryan could’ve just made his return via vita-chamber; no cybernetics or DNA-altering required – you know, like the first game’s protagonist did HUNDREDS OF TIMES (if you managed to die hundreds of times.)

To be fair, this new development team that worked on Bioshock 2 (there was a team-switch, in case you didn’t know) couldn’t have topped Ryan. However, they could’ve went in a different direction rather then back to the ideological-extremist well. I like the first game but I played it already; if I wanted to play it again, I would do so and not play a sequel that could very easily have been released as an expansion or downloadable content.

I won’t spoil the rest story for you. I don’t like it. It sucks. The end. I will say, though, that there isn’t a whole lot to spoil. The gameplay is very solid however. I won’t go very much into it because, if you played the first game as I’m sure most of you reading this did, you probably have the cognitive capacity with which to imagine what it’s like to play as a very large man wearing an old-school diving suit who punches people with a massive drill and shoots rivets at folks who piss him off. Hell, you were probably the victim of much drill-punching and rivet-shooting whilst playing the first game – that is until you figured out, as I did, that you can kill a Big Daddy fairly easily by tripping his bulky ass down a flight of stairs using the oh-so-fun crossbow and electric-trip-wire bolts, after, of course, lighting him on fire and electrocuting him – man these guys had it rough, come to think of it.

Some other minor complaints of mine are that they took out a few of the things that gave the game some personality: no more pipe-hacking, no clowns celebrating your usage of the item vending machine, no Mexican-bandit-themed sound effects at the ammo vending machines. However, some of the cool new things like plasmid combos, the ability to lay down turrets, and the ability to drill the hell out of splicers, do some to make up for what’s missing; there’s also multiplayer, which I have not tried yet.

Buy? Rent? Destroy?

Rent this mutha’. Unless you have a hankerin’ for some plasmid-shootin’, punk-drillin’ multiplayer; in which case, buy it if you feel that aspect of the game may have some longevity.

Just when you thought it was over…BAM! More books. Currently standing at a healthy twenty books, the series will continue to expand. R.A. Salvatore has just signed a six-book deal with Wizards to write even more Drizzt adventures which will cap it off at a twenty six book series, if indeed that will be the series’s final tally.

I am still trudging through the earlier volumes myself and have yet to reach the more recent publications and have to say that the early stuff is amazing and I would recommend it to any reader looking for a swell time. However, as I have been told, and have somewhat experienced, the series begins to run a bit dry through the middle and towards the current end. Which leaves me wondering, how long can this lone dark elf’s story go and will it be an interesting read?

I am anxious to see what Salvatore has in store for Drizzt in these next six books, but I am also worried that the immensity of the character’s run will dampen what makes him great and make him into an overdone facsimile of what he used to be, a caricature, if you will. Alas, I suppose we shall have to wait and see. The first book in the next six-volume sequence is set to release in 2011, to much anticipation.

Magic, and gun toting hot chicks in skimpy outfits? No thanks, I’ve gone out on that limb and gave that genre a shot before, and swore to myself: never again. But the early reviews claiming the fast paced, revolutionary combat and style had convinced me to give it a shot.

I didn’t even make it through the opening credits without asking myself what I had gotten into. The Japanese pop music and the emo-Laura-Croft, break dancing with guns on her feet, was enough to make me crank down the surround sound and nervously glance around the room for anyone who may be nearby.

Once I had gotten through the ridiculously cheesy dialogue and opening credits, I found that the game picks up the pace and throws you into some heavy combat. From there out, my experience with the game did a 180.

Combat is fast… I mean, REAL fast. It requires one to sync and execute quickly paced melee combos and gunfire, while throwing magics into the mix when possible. The game features an awesome counter-attack system where perfectly timing your dodges from enemy blows activates WitchTime, an ability that slows down the speed of the combat to a crawl for the player to unleash devastating combos and finishers that would not normally be possible in real time.

After the first few chapters and the ‘getting started’ tutorials, the game starts to show its true colors in its difficulty. To get right down to it, the game is very tricky if not downright skull-fucking-ly hard. It’s a game that seems to throw as many boss battles at the player as it does regular combat set-pieces. There were several times where I was pitted against an incredibly tough boss, who after some time I would eventually vanquish, then turn the corner and BAM! Guess what? You get to fight that same boss again, but to make it interesting the game will force you to fight two of them simultaneously. After which, I would then sit back to enjoy what I would assume would be a few puzzle sections or minion combats to build up suspense again. Nope… the beginning of the next chapter would start me off with another boss fight against a two-headed dragon with a cherub’s face for a belly.

The control scheme is well done. Although for some reason when you start the game off, the camera sensitivity is set to the slowest setting possible. You’ll need this cranked up close to high as possible within comfort, as you will frequently need to spin camera angles to assess all the archangels closing in on you. You also have a vast multitude of combos available right off the bat, many requiring the perfection of timing to execute correctly.

One quirk that often got on my nerves, at times, was the less than intuitive moments that left me saying: “Well how in the hell was I suppose to know that?”. I’m talking about the boss fights that were chuck full of one-hit kills, or the climatic scenes after big battles where the game expectantly demands that I press square or spin the left analog stick in the 1.2 second time frame it gives me, or I’m crushed by a falling building or washed over by a wave of lava. By no means do I want my games to hold my hand through that kind of shit-storm , but the game auto-saves after every time you die, thus reflecting poorly on your overall score.

Tim’s Final Say

I had a real hard time getting over the ridiculous music and voice acting.  Then it clicked with me, how someone with similar tastes to myself enjoys a game like this. It needs to be looked at as a comedy. It is so outrageously cheesy that you can’t help but laugh at it.

Would I recommend, to a friend, to go out and buy this game? Ehh… no, not really. Not at $65. Would I recommend that they borrow it from me and play it? Absolutely. I would tell them to skip the cut scenes, and enjoy the game for what it is: a challenging and fast paced hack n’ slash with some nice visuals and occasional animated eye candy. Ignore the voice acting, plot, and Japanese pop music, and you’ll find that Bayonetta is a very fluid and well put together action game.

ONE

There is ALWAYS someone behind you. I don’t care if it it’s physically impossible, he is there and likely has a knife.

TWO

Every time you get an idea and you’re thinking ‘man, that’d be cool’, it won’t be. Something will happen. You’ll get shot or your game will crash or a predator missile will randomly hit you by complete chance. So, when you get an idea, just don’t listen to it.

THREE

Patience…it’s a virtue. If you’re camping a spot and no one comes, even if it’s been fifteen minutes, do NOT get up and move. Because right when you do, you’ll die or someone will pass right in front of you as you leave and stab you in reflex fright.

FOUR

Reflex fright…being excellent at this game is like being excellent at getting hit in the knee with one of those doctor hammers. You have to play until your eyes bleed so your reflexes get so used to someone popping out and shooting at you that you put one between their eyes instantly, much like real life actually.

FIVE

If your opponent’s name is multi-colored or retarded or highbrow and simple, you’ve already lost. Just exit the game and bury your guns in the ground. I’ve seen them shoot through concrete walls; I’ve seen men empty entire clips into them and hit nothing but air. Everyone who has tried to stand and fight them has died. And no, you won’t succeed where so many have failed. Unless of course rule four applies to you or your name IS multi-colored or etc.

SIX

Never, never, never, not in any circumstance ever, will the grenade launcher NOT be the best weapon to use. In fact, when coupled with more explosives and the increased explosive damage perk, one can destroy anything one comes across. And now you too can have the power to be a cheap nub!

SEVEN

Your killstreak is your friend. But, with uncanny certainty, every single time you are about to reach your most important killstreak reward (AC130 gunner in my case usually) someone will murder you with haste and prejudice.

Now, go forth, my students, and use this knowledge to conquer the world that is Call of Duty. But do not use these powers for evil, only for slaying your opponents.

Hey

…

You guys remember that one time when I was all like, ‘Man, Games Workshop really pisses me off with their Space Mehren preference. What ever happened to honest competition?’

…

Looks like you’ll be holding your breath for even longer if you’re like me. Coming this April, the next new update flying at you in a…THUNDERHAWK!…is an update for…THE BLOOD ANGELS! Yeah I just said that. Keep in mind, this is following an update for the Space Wolves and an entirely new very minor Space Mehren faction, the Legion of the Damned. No Imperial Guard update…no Ork update…no new Chaos units…just another update and more units for a Space Mehren faction, not even one of the cool ones too. Its the Blood Angels…if there was a slightly homosexual chapter of Space Mehrens…it would be them.

Take this as you will. But I will be adding Games Workshop to my already growing list of things I have sworn a blood oath against.